Meditations, failures and realizations.

      Once again a whole month has gone by and I've but only blinked. This month hasn't been crazy busy, I haven't felt too stressed out but I have had many thoughts on life and work and what's important. I'll attempt to organize them as best as I can.

     I recently had a reawakening in my practice of mindfulness or what some call meditation. Once again it can be linked to thinking of my own mortality. I have experienced near death situations several times in my life. Or at least pretty life threatening and severe bodily harm. Each time this has happened I have had the typical grounding effect that most people experience. I was more thankful for each breath, more aware of how amazing the moment was, and less distracted by other little thoughts and engaged more in the present. A brain eating amoeba that is found in warm fresh water came to mind as I plunged into research park pond to grab a disc I found while wading out in my crocs. Immediately I thought of this rare amoeba that has only taken 34 lives across the US in the last decade. the chances of getting it are slim to none. On par with winning a big lottery. But, it still happens. I'm a bit of a hypochondriac if you haven't noticed. And for the last few days the thought of this amoeba crawling up my nose to wreak havoc on my brain has been bothering me. I have to remind myself of the statistics and think if it were really that big of an issue that no one would swim in freshwater. Young guys jump into research park ponds all year and we've never had a problem... Anyways, just that thought has been making me dive into the mindset of the great stoics: what would you do if today was your last? Better yet, just the reminder that you could leave life right now and should act accordingly. Now I don't mean do something crazy like drive a car fast, skydive or finish off your bucket list. I mean how you treat others, how you soak up each moment. When you are aware of each moment, disciplined to stay in the moment and not let your mind squander the seconds with unnecessary thoughts or worries than the moment is much more beautiful. You can capture it more completely. I'll talk a little nicer, I'll take advantage of my time with family more and spend less time on my phone. I love these things but not exactly the reason why I feel more compelled to do them. 

     Shouldn't we all be this way a the time? Isn't that how life is supposed to be? Just people, living in the moment. Not living for each other, perhaps for themselves and their God but just living out each waking moment knowing it could be the last? Maybe this mindset is something that middle class Americans, like myself, have forgotten. I'm not even an average middle class American either; I'm in the Army, I've jumped out of planes/helicopter, I've participated in sports and recreations that have serious risks and have driven all types of motorcycles through the heat of summer and the bite of North Carolina winters. Even still, the thought of mortality is something a little farther away than it should be. Guys/Gals who have been in the army a few years more than myself are much more acquainted with it because of their actual war time experience. Most deployments these days carry little risk and statistically are safer than simply walking the streets of Fayetteville or other crime ridden areas in the states. I recently saw a picture of an old time mountain man who was living/sleeping in a log that had been dug out and had just killed a deer and hacked off it's leg to roast over a bare fire. The caption read: "you might be tough, but are you live out of a log, kill a deer and roast it over a fire in the middle of nowhere tough?". While kind of funny, it made me think of how much softer the world and America has become. I say this because of some things that I think would be tough pale in comparison to what the frontiersmen went through. Ranger School. 61 days of suck. But every day you are gauranteed 2 MRE's and a few hours sleep. Yes you will ruck several miles a day through the woods, get rained, snowed, hailed on. It might be blazing hot or freezing cold but it's in Georgia so it's not that cold right? I think of that as tough and it's only 61 days. Men of the past did that crap far less equipped for much longer. Years on end more than likely just to stay alive... or was it to keep them happy? Who's to say. Just some thoughts I had.

     Today I have experienced a failure. I failed my first master's class at liberty university. Was I pretty behind on school work? Yes, I was. Regardless I could have passed had it not been for one simple fact: instead of ending today, a Sunday, which every other week in the course has ended, it ended on Friday which was two days ago. Sundays have been my catch up days and this Sunday was to be no different. That was until I realized that all my assignments, late, turned in or yet to be submitted had all been graded. There were more 0's than I wanted and not enough of anything else to make it a passing grade. I was a little disappointed and a little relieved. I really didn't want to spend my afternoon doing classwork or even thinking about it for that matter. Disappointed because it was a failure that will be paid for with my paycheck at the cost of about 900 bucks. I think the lesson here is this though: the coursework I had intended to bring me closer in a relationship with God was pushing me away. I say this because I came to dread the course work which was intense and completely alien from my last two degrees. I'll admit as well I didn't like to actually work and have to be spiritual about it if that makes sense. I'd rather my relationship with God be fueled by my own desire for Him and not for the grades or deadlines. The verse of the day ties in well to this lesson: "Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me." John 15:4. I think that maybe I was going for this degree more for myself than for God. I'll also admit that between the move and starting work I have prayed less and thought less than Godly things. I pray now that I will use my time more for a relationship and less of the tangible accolades. By that I mean I'm going to take a break from academia and focus more on relationships. Not only with God but also with my family. I can always do school later and frankly none of the school matters while I'm still in the Army. 

     More to follow, hopefully sooner than later. I love to peck away at this keyboard to get my thoughts down. I truly enjoy seeing words on a page. Something else that I know and think has often been taken for granted: the level of communication in the written word. Whether it be the bible or a blog, the written word is powerful and not to be forgotten or taken for granted. Certainly not to be underestimated.

Work, readings and thoughts.

    The last few weeks of leave came and went quickly. I was approved to take 10 days of extra leave per Army policy and it just slipped away. I wonder if the rest of my life will slip away that fast. You hear it from old men all the time that a decade ago was just yesterday and boyhood was merely years in the past though they are well on in years... Just fleeting thought that is usually followed by me trying to savor the small moments of seeing sunshine on my little boys faces and hearing them laugh and see them smile. Holding my wife's hand and looking into her eyes, hoping that these moments would just last a little longer. Some say that having new experiences often is the best way to stay young, or make life seem a little longer. A shame because I appreciate very much a scheduled life. I've hardly ever had one after high school. With the exception of my wake up times and habits of doing exercise in the morning at the same time, my days after that are almost always chaotic and unpredictable. I've gone into work expecting normal days and then stayed working until 10pm. Conversely, I've gone into work and left before lunch not expecting it. I wish I had more days like that!

    Although I haven't been writing in my blog as regularly as I'd like, I still end up typing almost daily for my master's class, which I am currently struggling in. I expect to do much more typing as well when I get my laptop on Tuesday this week for work. I have been shadowing a guy for the last week I've been at work and not much else. No laptop means no way for me to put people in the Army and that is a problem. I want to do this work, not out of ambition for career success but for my own satisfaction and knowing that I could change the lives of the young men and women who enlist. While there are plenty who have horror stories about their time in the service, many of them warranted, I have only had my life changed in more positive ways than negative. 

    I recently finished The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand. A wonderful novel that every young man or woman should read in their 20's. I don't agree all the way with Rand's philosophy, Objectivism, but I can appreciate it for it's simplicity, discipline and perspective. Simplicity in that it says an individual is only worth as much as they are willing to work or create. Discipline is rewarded and regarded highly for being consistent in work and in personal character. Lastly, the perspective taught is one of truthful self value. Nobody should sugarcoat to themselves what kind of a person or worker they are to anyone, especially themselves. Nor should one seek out the approval of others to attain a positive self value but should look only to what they can accomplish for this perspective into and of themselves. I expected a little bit more of a drawn out conclusion, but that was based upon reading Atlas Shrugged first. A great book, will probably read again in a few years. 

    My dad wrote a book a few years ago. I have never read a page of it until now and for that I am glad. I am glad because as a young man with a wife and kids of his own I can appreciate much more the value and the achievement it is to author and publish a book. Not only that but the acknowledgements page he wrote was very sincere and emotion filled. My dad is a fairly sincere person but I wouldn't say he is extremely expressive in his emotions outwardly. I am the same way. He, of course, gives credit to my mom and expresses his lover for her in a way one would for a soulmate. Which while I knew was true growing up, just never heard. After all, bearing one's soul to your wife is not usually done in front of your children's or anyone else for that matter. He also wrote that if he had known how much time it would take away from spending it with us kids that he would have never done it in the first place. I am of course very touched by that. He always tried to spend as much time with us as possible. Even after getting up early to go to work in houston from spring, (which was about an hour, sometimes more in traffic) he would come home and try to play outside with us. He was always very adamant about it, sometimes to my childish dismay when I was watching TV or playing Xbox. I'm glad he took the time to do it though. Would I have loved to spend those hours with him? Of course I would but I think that a man needs time for himself, to do things for himself, for the benefit of himself. Not all the time, and not the majority of the time but just some times. He has used the time to create and produce something that he is proud of. He didn't squander his time on TV or any other similar fruitless effort and it's for that reason I am glad he took those hours or days to himself. 

    It also raises some conflict in me reading the book. I love my dad and I appreciate him for his intellect and personality. I know that some people write books for publishing and some people write books for their own creative satisfaction. I know that my dad probably hoped his book would take off and catapult him to mild success and would continue writing. He has not seen such success, but I know that he is satisfied in having written it and self-published the book. Okay, well I assume that he is satisfied with that, I'll have to ask him about it. The conflict is this though: His son read his father's book. Is the father happy that his son read his book and can see into his soul in that way like possibly never before or does the father feel judgment or uncomfortable for having known a window to his core was revealed to his son? This was just my initial conflict. Having thought about it though, putting myself in his shoes, I think I would like my son to read my book. There are things that I may have never expressed vocally that may be able to be perceived in the text. 

    Just some thoughts I've had over the last few weeks. - Mitch